I know I write topics here far less than I should and I do my best to keep them for the most part upbeat and for more inspiring days or when I feel something real to share. However, today’s reality is how I started this morning with lot of self talk and anger. Now sitting here even though a bit still angry…I know I was much too harsh with my kiddos this morning. I have no idea what got me up on the wrong side of the bed, I am certain lack of sleep had something to do with it but in any case not enough reason for me to behave and react as I did. The entire time I had in back of my mind is I need Jesus and a heck of a lot of coffee.
I felt mean with my parenting and can I confess something to you…over the years I’ve learned to yell. I yell. My Mom yelled as a parent and I was in a marriage filled with yelling…almost everyday as it was a toxic and abusive relationship. Now please know I am not stating this to take the responsibility off of myself but I do recognize where my device of yelling grew from. So it’s seems to be embedded in me to YELL when the first signs of anger rears it’s ugly head. WHY!!!! (see there I was yelling – all caps). I know better and I keep telling myself I’m not going to yell and I’m going to work on it…so I sit here and think there’s more to it than that. I need Jesus right now and why do I get so mad over what? Really is there anything worth really yelling about?
Let me tell you I’m a work in progress. I always am. I’m far from perfect, I know this. I’m even what I would consider still broken in ways I know I should address. Cause I know this anger and this Yelling stems from something more than just the moment of what is going on. It’s much deeper. I’m sure a lot of it from the years with my abusive controlling husband, who would yell and scream at me until 3 in the morning until I was so mentally and emotionally drained that all I wanted to do is curl up into a ball and disappear. I suppose admitting is the first step and the next will be finding the right counselor to get me over the hurdle to more healing from my past.
My biggest question is why my fear to go…I guess not so much fear as it is this defiance of not wanting to go to counseling to help me get over this hurdle in my life. What is that about? I’ve gone to many counselors back in the day for the abuse I faced on almost a weekly basis at times…so what now…what is so different? I’m not sure…it could be my fear that there is no longer any reason for my current fault…other than my purely my own wrong doing…and maybe having to face ones self and their heavy faults is what causes me to turn away from the idea of reaching for additional healing. I don’t know for sure…I do know it’s something to address and another is I know I’m still broken in ways that stem from being abused. Fears from that is what if I’m not fully fixable…and I’m starting to think my other fear is…the other times I had gone in my past…my answer was always…you need to leave…you can not stay…someday you will find your breaking point and need to leave…there is nothing you can do to fix it all you can do is learn to adapt and not let the abuse affect you or choose to leave…which by grace I finally left which is why I am here today.
But what now…will they say I need to change my environment again? I’m not abused but what if their solution is leave and it’s not fixable only adaptable. That’s a ridiculous conclusion but oddly enough a now realized fear.
Now to dig in even deeper…One of the biggest issue I have with my sin is that why do I do it? I know what it was to feel the pain of it but why do I choose it as a device to use myself? Now mind you it wasn’t at all what it was for me while being in an abusive relationship but then I think…is it any better? No…yelling is yelling? Right? It works the same way across the board, so why do it…it’s created to be destructive and to be nasty and hateful so why choose it? Why am I of all people one to choose it when I’ve been through the hell that I did living with it? That to me makes me even worse for doing so. There you have it my deepest truth on the issue at hand. Laid out for all to see and exposed that I’m just as awful as my abuser or at least no better for sinning in this matter. There it is…the word I dread the most…I am no better than my abuser. My subconscious this morning knowing this fear really took hold with it and was going ramped in self doubt and self hate…I started to get carried away but recognized I needed time to journal and be honest with myself…spend some time in truth with the word and discover how to overcome this sin I’ve now shed light on. Since then I’ve been able to turn around my entire morning to be something else.
Interesting what only 15 minutes of typing honestly will bring out in ones self. It’s why I miss writing out my inner thoughts so much. For me it’s key in discovering myself in ways I would not be able to do otherwise. I feel it’s a necessity to truly discover your inner thoughts and bring them to the surface to look over and consider. Journaling I believe is such a vital tool in life for anyone willing to utilize it. In taking the time to write out these thoughts I’ve not only found peace but also a desire to really want to jump start my day and dig in deeper to addressing this issue at hand.
Since writing this…I’ve discovered some great posts from other “yelling” mom’s that have made it clear I must choose to change as it is clearly a sin and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. This mom has done a wonderful job addressing this in her post found here: http://jessconnell.com/stress-yelling-and-sin/
Yelling being that is is a “fit of anger” which hate and vindictiveness comes from is a form of anger that is not of God. However, there are verses to state anger isn’t always sin an is actually created to be out warning signs and can be good to fuel us when fighting for justice to defend others…but NOT to tear them down or react in a selfish need of no self control. Anger is to show us a sign of a problem…but we are to attack the problem not the person. (Ephesians 4:29, 31) Here is a great article that address this further: https://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-anger.html
Rest assured I can be grateful for God’s grace and time for confession and forgiveness to my sin…otherwise my outcome to this life wouldn’t be what it is now. I’ll be working towards a Non-Yelling life and strive for a better and kinder way to live. With all this being said, I need me a little more grace today.